There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
