so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
