I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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