i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
