I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
