I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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