writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
