I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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