i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize