i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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