I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize