I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
