I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
