thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
