he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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