yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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