Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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