Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish I only lived at night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
PANTIES FOUND
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