My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
