I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
either way he was missing a nipple.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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