Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize