Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
