careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
