I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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