captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
