when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Randomize
