dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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