i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
