Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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