I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
