There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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