And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
