I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize