Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
