seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
