I'd wear matching sweaters with you
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize