I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
