she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
