I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
