Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
