my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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