I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I am spending my child support on dildos
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
