Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
