I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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