she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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