Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
