I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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