oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
