Nicole vs. Life
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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