honey bunches of taint.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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