K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
