Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
