Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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