he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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