My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
