i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
even my farts smell like vagina
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
