Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
