He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
