After last night, I could never be a politician.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
