we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
