I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
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