Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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