got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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