Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
