I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
