dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
