ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
