If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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