I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I touched a dick in church today
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
