I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
