this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We were destined to go to rehab together
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
