So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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