my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
